


Wash Away Like the Rain

by Dalankar



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, EXO (Band), SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 05:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you have to believe in things that might not be true, in things that may never be true, just so you can survive. Just so your life makes sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wash Away Like the Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the world created by Kazuo Ishiguro in Never Let Me Go.

Sometimes you have to believe in things that might not be true, in things that may never be true, just so you can survive. Just so your life makes sense.

-

"If you can prove that it's true love, then you can be exempt," Sungmin says, looking around at them all but eyes fixing on Hyukjae in the end. Kyuhyun watches hope flare in Hyukjae's eyes. "Hyung, are you sure?"

Sungmin nods. He is smiling as if he'd just given them a great gift.

Kyuhyun stands up, heading for class. "It's probably bullshit," he tells them. It is useless to believe in things that are not true.

Hyukjae looks up at him with hurt in his eyes. "But if it is…" He ventures and hope still clings to his eyes.

Kyuhyun laughs. "Then good for you."

-

"They can do it," Siwon says quietly. They are sitting under their tree, an old oak, enjoying the last of the day's light until the dinner bell rings. Kyuhyun opens an eye to look up at him.

"What?"

Siwon laughs and runs a hand through Kyuhyun's hair. He grins and shifts his head higher up Siwon's thigh.

"Donghae and Hyukjae. They can prove they're in love." There is a wistfulness to Siwon's voice and Kyuhyun wonders who Siwon envies, Donghae or Hyukjae, or maybe just that they might be saved. "If we're witnesses. If we tell them that we know they're in love, then…" Kyuhyun follows Siwon's gaze and turns his head. Donghae and Hyukjae are playing football with Minho and Luhan on the playground. He can hear indistinct sounds of their laughter from here. He sits up abruptly and Siwon looks at him in confusion.

"Why do you want to save them?" He asks. The last golden rays of the sun splay over Siwon's face and Kyuhyun thinks he must look like what a prince would look like from the old story books in the library.

Siwon smiles at him sadly. "Because at least they should be saved."

Kyuhyun hits him on the arm and stands up. "Don't be fucking stupid."

-

They graduate to the halfway houses three months later. Luckily for them, two of their hyungs have already been there for half a year. Kyuhyun scans his tracker for the last time at the school entrance and heads out to wait for the bus. Donghae comes over to stand beside him a little later. When Kyuhyun looks at him, he looks sad.

"Do you think the others will miss us?" Donghae asks softly. The younger boys had been all over Donghae and the others. Kyuhyun had escaped out here, to get away from the sad faces and the tears. He ignores the question and shivers when the bitter wind picks up. Donghae immediately drops his bag and wraps both arms around him.

"You should wear your jacket, Kyu. You'll get sick otherwise," Donghae tells him, his breath warm against Kyuhyun's ear, but makes no move to let go. Kyuhyun settles into the embrace.

"Don't need a jacket," Kyuhyun tells him. "I've got you."

Donghae laughs brightly and then the others arrive. Siwon settles his jacket over Kyuhyun's shoulders and Donghae lets Kyuhyun go to hold Hyukjae's hand.

-

Jungsu hyung cries when they arrive. Heechul hyung, his hair cropped close to his head, smirks at them and tells them not to be bothersome. At dinner that night, Donghae, happy and glowing, tells the hyungs about the plan. Kyuhyun realises that he'd been right all along when Jungsu hyung looks devastated as Donghae continues to speak. Even Heechul hyung turns his face away, but not before Kyuhyun sees the tears in his eyes. Hyukjae reads them before Donghae realises.

"Is it true, Jungsu hyung? Can we be exempt?" Hyukjae asks softly. Kyuhyun watches as Jungsu hyung looks up at Heechul hyung before answering. Kyuhyun scrapes his chair back and stands up. He doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to see. He avoids everyone's eyes and almost runs out of the room. Sometimes he hates being right.

He grips the fence with white knuckled hands when he hears Donghae cry out. He slams the gate open and runs. If anyone should be saved, he wants it to be Donghae. And just for this he wants to believe that he can be saved.

-

Siwon finds him by the creek. Kyuhyun doesn't look at him and continues to throw pebbles at the water.

"You were right." Siwon sounds like he's been crying. Kyuhyun throws the last pebble with all his strength. It disappears into the bushes on the opposite bank.

"So were you." Kyuhyun turns around. Siwon's eyes are red. "We should save them."

-

Siwon drives. Kyuhyun props a hand on the cold glass of the car window and stares out. They had borrowed Heechul hyung's car. Hyung had looked at them both with narrowed eyes before handing over the keys.

"One scratch, just one and I will nail you to the door," he'd warned. Siwon had bowed and promised to take good care of it.

They arrive at the head mistress's house just after midday. She opens the door and when Siwon explains why they had come, she sighs tiredly and beckons them inside.

"You see mistress, Donghae and Hyukjae have always been together. They've never even slept on separate beds. They've been in love for so many years and everyone will testify to that. So they should be exempt. They should get to live their lives," Siwon explains, simple and honest. Kyuhyun watches from where he is standing by the window.

"You speak for them but not yourselves?" She asks and Siwon looks stunned as he looks up at Kyuhyun.

"We speak for them because they're in love and we’re not," Kyuhyun tells her and Siwon flinches, turning away from him. "You are head mistress. You can save them."

She watches Siwon for a long moment before looking up at him. In her dark eyes, he sees everyone who had come before them to plead for mercy.

"No one is exempt."

Siwon gasps. Kyuhyun lurches forward. "Then change the rules. Just-" He blinks back tears angrily, "-save him."

She stands up, adjusting her skirt. "You should go now."

Kyuhyun stares at her. In his mind, he sees Donghae putting himself between the bitter winter gusts to keep him safe. "Please."

Siwon's grip on his elbow keeps him on his feet as they leave.

"You're giving the gift of life to so many. You should feel blessed," she calls out as they walk away.

Kyuhyun slumps into his seat in the car and wonders that he has ever felt blessed at all.

-

Siwon trains to be a Caretaker like Jungsu hyung. Jungsu hyung is Caretaker for Donghae and Hyukjae. Once Siwon is trained, he will be Kyuhyun's. Heechul hyung's caretaker is Jung Yunho, who Kyuhyun remembers from school as being just as popular as Heechul hyung. And when Heechul hyung gets called for his second Donation, Jung Yunho turns up at their door on the morning of the day. Jungsu hyung holds on to Heechul hyung's hand until they get to the car. Siwon holds them back at the door as Jungsu hyung kisses Heechul hyung goodbye. Donghae and Hyukjae walk up to Jungsu hyung as the car speeds away. They walk him back to the house and sit with him while Kyuhyun helps Siwon make lunch.

When the call comes that there had been complications with the surgery, Jungsu hyung collapses in the living room. They kneel down around Jungsu hyung and fold him between their arms. Jungsu hyung sits so still, silent tears coursing down his face. There is no funeral. None of them will ever get one. Instead, they plant a bed of Sunflowers in the back garden.

Three weeks later, Hyukjae gets called up for his first Donation. Donghae cries and cries and refuses to let Hyukjae go until Jungsu hyung gently leads him to the car with tears in his eyes. Kyuhyun watches Hyukjae's pale face get further and further away and the reality of their lives finally hits home. Every single teacher at the school had known that this was their fate. All the people in the 'outside' world had known, still knows about them. Their lives have never been theirs.

He falls to his knees beside Donghae, who has curled up into a ball on the ground. He sits by Donghae until night falls and Siwon finally manages to coax Donghae into the house. They sleep in the living room that night, curling up around Donghae and praying (Siwon) for Hyukjae to be safe.

Donghae barely speaks for days, eats only when Kyuhyun feeds him and stares without pause out at the road with reddened eyes. Hyukjae comes back a week later. Other than a slight limp, he seems whole. But he grimaces when Donghae rushes at him and clings. They all gather in the living room, mostly silent and all of them so utterly thankful that Hyukjae is home, that he came through his first Donation without any trouble. Donghae eventually falls asleep on Hyukjae's lap. Kyuhyun watches as Hyukjae combs his fingers through Donghae's dark hair, so much love on his face that Kyuhyun has to look away to blink the tears out of his eyes. There had been a time in school when Kyuhyun had hated Hyukjae. Hated him because Donghae loved him. Because Donghae chose him. Because, as he'd thought then, that Hyukjae didn't know how precious Donghae was. But now he realises that Hyukjae knows, has always known, how precious Donghae is.

He stands up. "I'm going to bed," he announces, then looks over in Hyukjae's direction. "You should go to sleep too, hyung."

Hyukjae smiles, wide and gummy as usual and something in Kyuhyun's heart bursts at the sight.

"Thank you, Kyuhyun, for looking after him."

Kyuhyun grits his teeth and nods. "It was mostly Siwon," he says and leaves.

-

For Donghae's birthday, they go to karaoke. Donghae sings and Hyukjae dances and the rest of them sit there and laugh at them.

"There, that one! Choose that one!" Jungsu hyung calls as Donghae searches for the next song.

"'Twins'?" Donghae frowns. "That's an old one, hyung."

Jungsu knocks him gently on the head. "Don't diss the classics, boy."

Donghae grins and looks over at Kyuhyun. "Kyu, do you want to sing?"

Kyuhyun scoffs and shakes his head. "No fucking way. I wasn't even born when that came out."

"Come on, Kyuhyunnie!" Donghae pleads and Kyuhyun looks over at Hyukjae standing beside him, smiling.

"Get up here, Kyuhyun. And you too, Choi Siwon, don't think you're getting out of this!"

Siwon gets to his feet without a fight and Kyuhyun glares at him as he goes over to join the others. Donghae skips over to him happily and holds out a hand. "Come on."

Donghae is smiling, eyes bright and crinkling like they do when he is truly happy. Kyuhyun lets him pull him up.

"Victory!" Donghae yells, pulling Kyuhyun towards the others. Siwon smiles at him and Jungsu hyung hands him a microphone.

_I wanna knock out…._

Birthday cake arrives four songs later and Hyukjae smears a large dollop of cream on Donghae's face. Kyuhyun watches him squeal in protest and rubs some cream on Donghae's face as well. Donghae turns to him, looking betrayed. Kyuhyun smears the cream more evenly over his forehead. "You look good, hyung." Donghae breaks into a smile and runs a cream smeared finger down Kyuhyun's nose. "So do you," Donghae tells him, laughing. Kyuhyun snorts and ducks to avoid Hyukjae's cake attack. He watches Jungsu hyung laughing as Siwon advances on him with cake and Donghae feeds Hyukjae some cake and he thinks happiness might feel like this. Birthday cakes and warm smiles and a feeling that says _you are exactly where you're meant to be. You are home._

-

Donghae gets called up for his first donation a week later. Kyuhyun looks up when he hears something clatter and Jungsu hyung, who'd received the call, looks up at him, his phone scattered on the floor. Hyung looks as though horror had repelled all emotions from his face.

"Hyung?" Kyuhyun drops the book in his hands and stands up. There are tears in Jungsu hyung's eyes.

"Hyung, what's wrong?"

"Donghae," Jungsu hyung whispers and Kyuhyun freezes. Donghae, Hyukjae and Siwon had gone out to play football at the local park. Kyuhyun had called them idiots for inviting hypothermia and had stayed home to read his book. Jungsu hyung grips his hand and he is crying.

"Hyung, we're back!" They hear Donghae's voice. Kyuhyun turns away and walks over to the window, trying to get rid of the tears in his eyes.

"Kyuhyunnie, you should have-" he hears Hyukjae's voice cut off mid-sentence.

"Jungsu hyung, what's wrong?" Siwon asks.

"What do you think is wrong?" Kyuhyun snaps, turning around and everyone looks at him in dismay.

"No," Donghae whispers. "They can't. They can't ask you. They can't!"

Kyuhyun laughs, careless that he is crying. "You're so stupid, Donghae."

Donghae rushes to him but Kyuhyun steps out of his reach.

"Kyu…" Donghae says tearfully.

"They want you!" Kyuhyun shouts. "The bastards want you." Donghae's eyes widen and he hears Hyukjae gasp distantly.

"Oh." Donghae turns around, eyes on Hyukjae who crosses the room in a heartbeat to pull Donghae into his arms.

Kyuhyun steps away from Siwon's arms and walks out, not stopping until he's on the roof, breathing clogged up by tears and despair.

He has been told, over and over again, that this is his life. This is going to be their lives until they Complete. Everyone he knows, everyone he loves, will go through this. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier. That it is Donghae, makes it unbearable.

He hears approaching footsteps as the sky dims. He keeps his eyes on the grey horizon and doesn't turn. Then warm arms wrap around him and Kyuhyun realises that it is not Siwon behind him.

"You always forget your coat," Donghae says softly, tightening his arms around Kyuhyun.

"Don't need a coat," Kyuhyun tells him out of habit.

"You've got me."

Kyuhyun turns around and Donghae is smiling. His eyes are red and puffy, but he is smiling.

"How can you smile?" He asks and reaches up a hand to trace under Donghae's eyes.

"Because I know for certain now."

"Know what?"

"How much you love me."

Kyuhyun startles. But Donghae is still smiling and he finally relaxes.

"You're kind of slow, hyung," he tells him and Donghae's smile fades a little.

"I'm sorry."

Kyuhyun leans his head against Donghae's. "Aren't you scared?" He asks.

"I am. But I was more scared for Hyukjae. And today… I don't want it to be you. So… I'm glad that it's me and not you."

"Idiot," Kyuhyun laughs. "You have to look after yourself."

Donghae shakes his head. "I'll be happy if you're safe, Kyuhyun. Hyukjae, Jungsu hyung, Siwonnie, we'll all be happy if you're okay."

Kyuhyun pulls back to look at him. "Do you really think I'll be okay if none of you are there? If you're not there?"

He can see that Donghae is about to cry again and he takes Donghae's face in both hands. "Hyung, if we can't fight this, the only thing I want is for us to complete together."

Donghae places his hands over Kyuhyun's. "Maybe things will be different next time," he says hopefully.

Kyuhyun smiles, glad that the darkness of the night is hiding the tears in his eyes. "Yeah, hyung."

-

As Donghae recovers from a double donation at the hospital (those bastards had told them it would only be a single), Kyuhyun gets called up for his first. Siwon grips his hand in a deathly grip and promises him that everything will be alright. Kyuhyun doesn't call him on it. On the day, Jungsu hyung, so pale and skinny now, hugs him farewell.

"You'll be fine, Kyuhyunnie," hyung whispers. "You are the strongest of us all."

Hyukjae kisses him on the forehead at the car. "I'll see you soon, Kyuhyun." Hyukjae smiles slightly. "Donghae will be back when you get home."

Kyuhyun swallows and nods. "See you later, hyung."

Siwon, as his assigned Caretaker, comes with him to the hospital. Kyuhyun watches him filling out the consent forms and talking to doctors and wonders what he would have been in another life. Kyuhyun has no doubt that Siwon would have been amazing.

"I'll see you when you wake up, Kyuhyun," Siwon promises and Kyuhyun closes his eyes and lets Siwon be the last thing he sees.

-

He goes home four days later. Luckily, as the doctors had put it, there had been no complications. He shrugs off Siwon's arm as they enter their home. Donghae is sitting by the window. Hyukjae is feeding him lunch. When he sees him, Donghae lurches to his feet. He looks so pale and they had shorn off most of his hair. Kyuhyun, who had been told that he should not strain himself, or even walk fast for atleast a week, runs. Donghae wraps him up in his arms.

"Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun," Donghae is whispering tearfully. Kyuhyun buries his face in Donghae's neck and finally, finally, breathes.

-

Jungsu hyung takes them out for dinner two weeks later. It's a pretty place. They sit at one of the tables outside by the sea. The others are drinking wine. Kyuhyun, who hates wine, sips at his orange juice. The food is nice. Kyuhyun doesn't care enough about it to judge it any further. Donghae is arguing with Hyukjae about the value of snails as a nutritional source, and looks betrayed when Siwon sides with Hyukjae that the French must only do it for shock value and not because it tastes good. Jungsu hyung is watching them with a gentle smile on his face. Recently, Kyuhyun is certain that Jungsu hyung would not get out of bed in the morning if it weren’t for them. That need to take care of them like he always has. But now he never gets to see his hyung smile brightly the way he had when Heechul hyung was alive. The light of their angel is dimmed and Kyuhyun tries not to dwell on it, lest the helplessness crush him.

"Hyung." Kyuhyun touches Jungsu hyung on the arm. "If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?"

Jungsu hyung looks at him with surprised eyes. Then his face softens.

"I'd go sky diving," Hyukjae interjects. "With a camera on my helmet so I can record everything."

Donghae hits him playfully on the arm. "You can't have a camera on your helmet, you idiot! It'll be too heavy!"

Hyukjae shakes his head adamantly. "Nah. They make really small cameras now. It'll be fine."

"Then it won't see anything! It'll be too small!" Donghae exclaims, laughing.

"Donghae-"

"If I could do anything with this life I have been given, I would do exactly this. I would be here with all of you. I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world."

Kyuhyun threads his fingers with Jungsu hyung, holding tight. Donghae grips hyung's hand on the other side and soon they are a circle of linked hands.

"Whatever happens, I love you all." Jungsu hyung looks around at them, tears shining in his eyes. "I love you so much."

-

They only realise that hyung had been called for his first Donation when his Caretaker comes to pick him up three days later.

"Hyung, why didn't you say anything?" Hyukjae asks, holding tightly on to Jungsu hyung. The Caretaker, Kim Jonghyun, watches them with sad, dark eyes. Jungsu hyung touches Hyukjae's face gently. "I didn't want to worry you."

Donghae calls for a group hug and they fold themselves around Jungsu hyung.

"You're going to be fine, hyung," Donghae says. "When you come back, let's go to the movies okay?"

"Okay, Donghae," hyung smiles. "Whatever you want."

Kyuhyun watches Donghae smile tearfully and knows he'd be waiting at the window until hyung comes back.

Jungsu hyung looks back at them just before he gets in the car. Kyuhyun takes an involuntary step forward.

"Hyung…"

But then Jungsu hyung gets into the car and they watch until the car disappears down the road.

-

It is strange, their home without Jungsu hyung in it. He's always been there, taking care of them all, their centre of gravity. They all hang around the house restlessly. Donghae is curled up on the chair by the window. Hyukjae is moving around the kitchen and Siwon is sitting at the couch with Kyuhyun.

"You know, there are others out there, trying to fight this. To stop the Program," Siwon says suddenly.

"Do you think they can win?" Hyukjae asks and Kyuhyun almost flinches at the hope in his voice. Siwon shrugs.

"They're saying the program is in violation of human rights. They're getting some attention."

Kyuhyun laughs bitterly. "People don't think we're human, Siwon. We're just… their insurance policies. They all like to pretend that they are good people, like to think they'd always choose to do the right thing. But when it comes down to it, they will never choose anyone else over themselves. Any one of us can save atleast three of them. They will never support us. Never!"

Siwon stares at him, mouth agape. "Kyuhyun…"

Kyuhyun stands up and leaves. He needs to breathe.

 

When he comes back after two hours of wandering around the streets, only Donghae is there in the living room, still curled up by the window. Donghae looks up as Kyuhyun closes the door and takes off his shoes.

"Kyu, Hyukjae left dinner for you on the table."

He walks over to the window. "Not hungry."

Donghae smiles sadly and resumes staring out the window.

"Kyuhyunnie, you know Siwon would do anything for you, right?" Donghae asks him softly. "If you asked him to jump off a bridge, he probably would."

Kyuhyun bites his lip, watching cars drive down the street outside. "That makes him pretty fucking stupid, doesn't it?"

Donghae shakes his head. "No, it doesn't." Donghae reaches out and takes Kyuhyun's hand. "If you think about it, it's not stupidity at all."

Kyuhyun pulls his hand away. "You should go to bed, hyung," he says and heads off to his room.

-

Kim Jonghyun turns up at their door two days later. He is alone. They realise then that Jungsu hyung is not coming back. Siwon catches Donghae before he falls and Kyuhyun braces himself against the door frame to steady himself.

"He volunteered for a total Donation," Jonghyun tells them softly.

"He volunteered?" He hears Hyukjae's voice as if it's coming from far away.

"He left this for you." Kyuhyun watches as Hyukjae grasps the envelope with a trembling hand.

_To Hyukjae, Donghae, Siwon and Kyuhyun, to my beloved boys,_

_I ask for your forgiveness for causing you such grief. To hurt you is the last intention of my heart. But life has become such a burden and I fear that I have no more strength to fight. Don't be sad for me. I'm going to Heechul who has had to wait for me for so long._

_Thank you, my loves, you have made me happier than I ever thought possible in this life. Wherever I go, I will keep you close in my heart._

_Forever yours,_

_Jungsu hyung._

-

Siwon drives then down to the beach a week later. Donghae is curled up at the back with Hyukjae, his eyes squeezed shut. Hyukjae has both arms wrapped around him, head resting over Donghae's. Kyuhyun turns his eyes away and looks out the window instead. Donghae hasn't been well. He doesn't sleep much and barely eats anymore. He looks so frail, so fragile and Kyuhyun wants, more than anything, to protect him. But he doesn't know how and all he can do is to watch Donghae fade away before his eyes.

When they get to the beach, Kyuhyun leaves the others to walk slowly towards the waves. The day is grey, the sky, the sea, everything around them is leached out of colour and restrained in the winter's cold. He thinks they'll get stuck here, in this cold, lifeless place, while the world moves on beyond them.

"If I could just," Donghae starts, huddled under a blanket and walking up beside Kyuhyun, "If I could walk into the sea, I think it'll be nice."

Kyuhyun swallows. "Cold," he says after a moment and turns to look at Donghae.

"More than that," Donghae tells him, "It will be more than that."

"I'll be cold," Kyuhyun says softly. "Without you."

Donghae makes a sound like he's in pain and Kyuhyun reaches out for him. "Hyung-"

"I'm sorry, Kyuhyunnie." Donghae touches Kyuhyun's face gently and walks back towards Hyukjae waiting for them by the dunes.

-

The first time Kyuhyun sees Donghae laugh again is a month later. Hyukjae is cooking in the kitchen and whatever is on the stove must have split because he ends up with yellow sauce all over his white shirt, making Donghae, sitting at the kitchen counter and watching him work, burst into laughter.

"You look really stupid," Donghae laughs. Hyukjae looks at Kyuhyun, then at Donghae.

"But delicious," Hyukjae tells him, not looking upset at all that their dinner is now decorating his shirt.

Donghae grins, wide and beautiful. Kyuhyun feels like the sun had just come out from behind clouds.

"Hyukjae hyung, your cooking is getting worse," Kyuhyun lies and Hyukjae holds a hand to his heart in pain.

"And there I thought you liked my cooking, Kyuhyunnie."

Kyuhyun grins. "I was being nice." They maintain straight faces for a short moment before bursting into laughter.

Siwon runs into the kitchen, alerted by the noise, and Kyuhyun looks at him, still smiling. Siwon looks over at Donghae and Hyukjae, giggling in the kitchen, then at Kyuhyun and he breaks into a helpless smile.

"I guess we're getting takeaway," he says and that sets them all off again.

-

He realises things are truly coming to an end when Hyukjae gets called for his second Donation and Donghae volunteers (volunteers!) for his last. Kyuhyun had known the end was coming but to face it like this, he realises that he is not ready. Not ready to face what he knows is coming.

"How could you do this?" He snaps at Donghae, standing on the roof with the skies heralding rain. "Why would you volunteer?"

Donghae looks at him with sad eyes filled with tears. Kyuhyun wants to shake him, wants to push and pull at him until he changes his mind, until he realises that he can't leave him. Donghae takes Kyuhyun's hand and kisses the palm. "What will I do without him, Kyuhyun? I can't live without him."

Kyuhyun pushes him away. Donghae stumbles back.

"So selfish! You're so fucking selfish!" Kyuhyun yells, tears running carelessly down his face. "What about me? What am I supposed to do if you're not here?"

Kyuhyun reaches for him too late when Donghae falls and hears the sound of his knees hitting the concrete echos in his ears. Donghae looks up at him. He is crying.

"Hyung," he says and then it starts to rain, cold, fat drops bearing down on them mercilessly. He leans forward and kisses Donghae, softly and infused with everything, every single iota of love he has ever felt for him, of all the hopes that he had and for all the days they will never have and never had. He kisses Donghae in the winter rain and wishes his heart would turn to stone so that he doesn't feel this pain. But it doesn't. And he can't. Kyuhyun kisses Donghae under the sky and his heart breaks into a million pieces that get washed away in the rain.

-

Kyuhyun watches Donghae walk away, his hand held securely in Hyukjae’s. Their Caretaker, a Kim Jongdae, waits for them by the car. Kyuhyun’s hand tightens on the door frame. This is the last time. The last time.

“Hyung.”

Donghae stops. Hyukjae looks at Donghae, then back at Kyuhyun and lets Donghae’s hand go to walk to the car. Siwon moves past Kyuhyun to walk with him.

Donghae slowly turns around. Kyuhyun takes slow, mechanical steps forward until he is standing infront of Donghae. His eyes are shadowed, and his hair is growing in patches and he looks so, very tired. Kyuhyun loves him so desperately that it clogs up his throat and he swallows, trying to find the right words.

Donghae touches his face. His fingers are cold and Kyuhyun immediately grabs his hand, rubbing the cold fingers with his own.

“Hyung,” he tries again, eyes on Donghae’s hand, slowly warming up.

“I know,” Donghae says softly. “You don’t have to say anything.”

Kyuhyun dares to look up. Donghae smiles at him. “You should know now too.”

"What, hyung?"

Donghae leans forward and kisses him gently on the lips.

"How much I love you."

-

There is a boy in the bed next to him. Kyuhyun has never met him but the boy, Oh Sehun, tells him they were at the same school. He tells him that this is his third Donation. The last one, the boy says, and Kyuhyun hears the relief in his voice. Kyuhyun wonders if his own words are tinged with that same desperation, the need for everything to just...end. Sehun's Caretaker, a Lee Taemin, pokes his head in to make sure Sehun is well. He was Jongin's Caretaker too, Sehun tells him after Taemin is gone, and there is a catch in his voice, in the way he nearly stumbles over the name that tells Kyuhyun of the reason for Sehun's desperation.

"When?" He asks, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Five weeks ago." Five weeks. Almost the same time as…

Kyuhyun squeezes his eyes shut.

"It was his first. Just a single Donation they said. But they-they said they needed more-and…" Sehun's breath hitches as he tries to stifle his sobs.

"Hey, Sehun," Kyuhyun reaches out a hand between their beds. Sehun looks at him with tear stained eyes and slowly, slowly extends a long hand. Kyuhyun holds on to it tightly. After a while, Sehun's tears ease.

"Hyung, do you think it's… is it scary?"

"To die?"

Sehun swallows and nods. "Yes."

"No. It's not scary." He smiles slightly at the boy. "You know who is waiting for you on the other side."

Sehun stares at him with wide eyes, then he breaks into a smile. "Oh. Then I guess it's okay. It's okay."

-

Siwon comes to sit by him later. They had takes Sehun out for his last Donation and soon they will come for him as well. Siwon sits on the side of his bed, shoulders hunched and eyes on the floor.

"I'll be alone now," Siwon whispers softly. "Without you, I'll be alone."

Kyuhyun's breath catches. He hadn't thought he had enough heart left to feel pain but it lurches and twists in his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. For everyday. For everything. Siwon looks at him in surprise.

"Why did you stay?" He asks. Siwon laughs sadly.

"Why did you?"

Kyuhyun flinches.

"I'm sorry," Siwon whispers. "I didn't mean that."

Kyuhyun grips a hand in Siwon's shirt and breathes. He refuses to think of his life as a tragedy. He knows that in the eyes of an outsider, his life might be tragic but the life he has lived, with the people he has loved, he doesn’t want to think of it as tragic. To think of them as tragic. They were his family and he would never trade them for any happy ending in the world.

When the nurses enter the room, ready to take him into surgery, Siwon leans over him, as if to protect him from them. "Kyuhyun-"

Kyuhyun touches his face with gentle fingers and Siwon's eyes flutter shut. "I'll see you later, Choi Siwon."

Tears escape past Siwon's eyelids. Kyuhyun brushes them away and closes his eyes. He wants Siwon to be the last thing he sees.

 

_Epilogue._

He walks down the beach, sand pressing between his toes. It's cold, the winter winds curling over his skin. A year ago, he had come here. With the others. With _him_.

They're all gone now. His friends. Everyone he loved and prayed for. The bill to ban the Program had passed two months after Kyuhyun's last Donation. And one month after Siwon's first. Too late to save them. Too early for Siwon.

_If we can't fight this, the only thing I want is for us to complete together,_ Kyuhyun had said and Siwon had punched a wall in frustration because he'd wanted Kyuhyun to fight. To survive.

A wave, trembling and hesitant tries to weave its way up to him. Siwon stands still and waits. The wave stumbles and fades before it reaches him.

"Cho Kyuhyun, you were always too fast for me. You always ran ahead." He has always been Kyuhyun's shadow. He has never minded standing behind him. "I wish I had told you. That day under our tree, I wanted to save you. I wish I had told you. I love you. But I know you knew that. You knew but there was nothing you could do."

Sometimes you have to believe in things that might not be true, in things that may never be true, just so you can survive. Just so your life makes sense.

It’s worth it in the end, if it can save you.

***

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to YellowLeaf for reading over the story. And for KyuLovesHae for encouragement and for waiting ^_^


End file.
